


Daddy Shark

by Clever_Girl_22



Series: Akatsuki Gift Exchange 2020 Content [5]
Category: Naruto
Genre: Akatsuki Gift Exchange 2020, Bonus Gift, Gen, M/M, Team Bonding, White Elephant Mayhem, but kakuzu finds it endearing (and hidan thinks it's hilarious), i PROMISE kisame is just bad at flirting sometimes, ohmigod i SWEAR this is not a sexy fic despite the title, stocking stuffer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-03
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:28:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28331622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Clever_Girl_22/pseuds/Clever_Girl_22
Summary: For the team's annual White Elephant festival, Kisame has finally gotten Kakuzu as his recipient--and he is terrified. The old bastard has accumulated a repetition of being incredibly stingy; he will not be easy to impress.
Relationships: Hoshigaki Kisame/Kakuzu, Hoshigaki Kisami & Kakuzu, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Series: Akatsuki Gift Exchange 2020 Content [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2092200
Comments: 2
Kudos: 19
Collections: Akatsuki Gift Exchange





	Daddy Shark

**Author's Note:**

  * For [l1ldraws](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=l1ldraws).



> Ah, yes, another bonus gift! This one's for Sam; go check out their stuff @ l1ldraws on Tumblr! It's such a treat finding another person who enjoys KisaKaku :3

Kisame double-checked the little piece of paper he had drawn earlier. Yep, there was no denying it; he was absolutely _screwed._

Kakuzu was his White Elephant this year and the shark-man had absolutely no idea what to get the guy. His first reaction was to go to Hidan, but the Jashinist had made it _very_ clear that he was disinterested in the whole event (he was still pissed after drawing Pein as his exchange recipient); Itachi was busy trying to find Deidara the perfectly odd gift, while the others were completely absorbed in their own antics.

Thus, Kisame was left to his own devices. 

A loud knock was heard at his door, starling Kisame from his brainstorming. He had been sitting for almost an hour, pen and paper in hand, trying to come up with gift ideas.

"Yeah, come in." He answered, still staring at a blank notebook.

A parade of Itachi, Deidara, and Hidan entered, the latter slurping obnoxiously on some type of frozen drink. Kisame saw the other two members each had dango sticks; the trio must have just come back from yet another tea shop.

"Yo, you _still_ tryna figure out what to get the fuckturd?" The Jashinist asked.

Kisame nodded, "I want to make a good impression."

Deidara and Hidan burst into laughter, Itachi shaking his head somberly.

"Kisame, my man," Deidara snickered, "Hn, Kakuzu is pretty hard to please...you might be out of luck on this one."

"Thanks. Very helpful, Dei, _very_ helpful."

Before the terrorist could reply, Hidan downed the last of his drink and burped, "Kisa, just get him cash. Or one of those dumb, girly wallets, if you're feeling adventurous enough. Kuzu never likes _any_ of our shit, anyways."

And it was true: Kakuzu hated the Akatsuki White Elephant event with a passion, disapproving of the flippant spending on impractical and (arguably) stupid gifts, so much so there were even years where he excluded himself entirely from the event, refusing to partake under any circumstances. The only reason the zombie had joined this year was due to a monetary bet he had with Sasori regarding who would have the worst gift this year. Kakuzu had no interest, thus leaving Kisame grabbing for random scraps of the other man's limited hobbies and interests.

"Why don't you get him something that relates to you?" Itachi suggested, mouth full of sugar and dough.

Kisame scowled; it was becoming less and less of a secret among the team that Kisame was starting to develop some feelings for Kakuzu--in fact, the only person who hadn't noticed was the old bastard himself. 

"It's not time yet," Kisame replied, "There's gotta be a better moment than a White Elephant to approach _that_ conversation."

"And who says that, hm? Deidara huffed, "It's spontaneous, it's daring--dare I say, something dramatic is a romantic work of _art."_

Hidan rolled his eyes, "Make it hella cheesy, at least; I wanna see the asswipe _embarrassed_ as _fuck."_

"We'll see."

Just then, the Akatsuki's chakra rings began vibrating, singalign the members to report to their Leader. Deidara and Hidan headed out loudly, leaving Itachi and Kisame alone. Sighing, the shark-man tucked the still-empty notpad back into his dresser drawer. Itachi finished off the last of his snack and hummed in amusement. 

Kisame looked up, "What?"

"Make you gift shark-themed," Itachi explained, "It will be endearing yet fairly odd. For example, Dei's gift is a makeup box with a Sharingan-activated crystal--I can put him in a genjutsu whenever he's doing his eyeliner in a flash."

Kisame chuckled at the rather mischievous look in his partner's eye; he knew Itachi and Deidara has some romantic tension that neither were willing to admit to just yet. Suddenly, Kisame smiled; an idea had struck him.

"Fine, I'll give it a try."

************

The big day had come and the Akatsuki sat at their meeting table, a pile of odd gifts at its center.

Kisame sat nervously, watching member after member go: Konan had given Hidan a Holy Bible (which threw the Jashinist into a tantrum), Itachi gave Deidara his dubious gift, Sasori had given the origami ninja oodles and oodles of cheesy how-to origami crafts, while Pein had given the puppet-man a _very_ appropriate "Grandma Repellent" spray can; Hidan gave the Akatsuki leader a goddamn jar of dirt and Kakuzu had given Itachi a book titled, _How to Deal with the Your Moody Uchiha Team Member._ Deidara (in a rather huffy mood) had gotten Kisame a (rather badass) gold-plated tooth cap. The afternoon had been filled with laughter, outrage, and various plots of revenge.

Kisame took a deep breath--Kakuzu was last.

"What the actual fuck is _this?”_

The older immortal stared at a _massive_ Daddy Shark, the plushie standing almost as tall as him. Deidara and Hidan were beside themselves with laughter, gunauffing and practically rolling on the floor while the others watched with a mixture of confusion and bemusement. Kisame gulped; he had played this out better in his own head.

"It looks like, in my _professional_ opinion, a shark." Itachi mused, earning an anxious glare from his partner.

"What an _academic_ _observation,_ Uchiha." Kakuzu replied, stone-faced.

Kisame held his breath, reciting his words he had practiced repeatedly aloud; " You see, Kakuzu, I found this cute, lil' guy and instantly thought of you. You can sit on it, sleep with--Hell, it makes _excellent_ practice before messing around with an _actual_ shark, if I say so myself."

The lines were cringey at best, and Kisame felt himself redden; the other members were on the verge of tears with laughter. Kakuzu stared him down across the table.

"Hm, it seems so," He said, eyes lasered in on the shark-man, "I guess this will be worth some money, later on."

"You should try it out; I hear sharks are _very_ _dependable."_ Itachi added, winking conspicuously at Kisame.

Kakuzu paused; Kisame smiled despite his internal panicking. Then, the zombie narrowed his eyes.

"It _is_ pretty soft...I will keep it--for _now."_

The look in his eyes gave Kisame the answer he didn't realize how badly he needed: sooner than later, he knew he'd be taking that stupid plushie's place in the immortal's bed. Give it a week or two, and it was all inventable.

Maybe White Elephants weren't so horrible, after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Another ship that's too rare...ah, I hope you enjoyed our freaks' holiday shenanigans! Don't ask me where Kisame got the plushie (*cough, cough* Konan knows a guy *cough, cough*).
> 
> As always, comments and constructive criticism are appreciated; happy holidays and stay healthy y'all lovely folks!


End file.
